After Thursdays pre checks Jackie and Rob went shopping and out for a meal.

Those things we all just do and take for granted take on a different meaning. My heart was breaking for them, clinging on to some last few days of normality.

On Weds 3rd Nov John and I joined many of the Fethiye expats at Liberty Fabay, just a few minutes drive from home. It was a fantastic last minute price for 3 nights, organised by a well loved guy that does an excellent job doing airport transfers.

I had a cold, sore throat temperature and hacking cough for over 2 weeks, right up until it was time to go John was adamant we should cancel. I’d spent a few days in bed feeling rough, but equally felt so feeble to be complaining about something so trivial. I was determined we were going but had a whole mix of emotions. It didnt feel right to be going off enjoying ourselves, which I know is ridiculous as Jackie wouldn’t begrudge it one bit.

I’m sure the uncertainty and upset of the past weeks messed with my immunity, we hadn’t really been in any situation to get a cold, only at Kaş, where John ran a half marathon, but we sat distanced from others and stayed in our motorhome.

Stress plays a part in so many ways and thats the thing the oncology team reiterated to Jackie. Research shows that cancer can be induced by stress, it’s a huge factor. During chemo treatment it’s essential to avoid any stress and totally look after number one. Thats going to be a first for Jackie!

Fabay is an incredible hotel, but the nagging sadness was there all the time, by the evenings it was nice just to retreat to our room and just be us without have to force smiles and join in the alcohol fuelled madness.

We returned on Saturday evening and reality really hit that the clock was ticking down to Monday way too fast.

I’d asked Jackie if she was scared about chemo, she said she was really scared about the possibility of a bad reaction. One of the drugs can cause really bad effects, so session 1 is 300 minutes in order to administer it slowly. 300 minutes. That’s an eternity.

She said she was scared of losing her hair but felt she was being shallow, and her voice wobbled a lot. I’m crying now just thinking back to hearing her sadness.

She changed the subject quickly, she says she can cope with the getting organised and making lists, but can’t deal with the emotional stuff. There’s been so much since that I’ve wanted to ask and say, but have concentrated on being strong and positive.

Jackie has been amazing with her lists, checking finances, seeing what she’s entitled to claim and being so practical. Money is something that is always at the forefront when people have cancer, an added stress of what ifs. With Rob being self employed and a son at Uni this is hard, and unpredictable. She will feel better knowing everything is covered should she need Rob at home with her or if he needs time out to deal with his own emotions.

I know she’s my sister and I’m biased but she’s been so absolutely brilliant and brave. And of course still worrying about everyone else. I get messages saying “you ok?”

As much as you want time to stand still Monday 7th Nov came too soon.

There have been so many messages flying around between me, Rob, Lauren and Mandy in the background, even more today.

Jackie put a photo of herself arriving at the Oncology unit, looking fabulous, smiling, with her bag containing her packed lunch made by Rob. That broke me.

Poor Rob leaving her there, just can’t imagine. They had tears in the car. Jackie had been sure she would cry when treatment started but she managed not to. In her words, time to put her big girl pants on and get rid of this bastard.

Technology is an amazing thing, we were able to message each other and it was so reassuring to hear her in good spirits enjoying her tea and biscuits and that everyone was just lovely.

It went a bit quiet later, I didn’t want to keep on, she might be engrossed in a book or podcast.

About the time she should have been almost finished I messaged and she’d had a weird itchy throat, tongue and snotty, so they’d stopped chemo for 30 minutes and given antihistamines. So a longer time to go, but feeling fine.

Back at home Henry was with Rob, they’d had big hugs and it was so nice knowing they were together.

There was a lady next to Jackie with the same cancer, she was on session 2 and had already lost her hair. I could feel her pain when she messaged about, there was nothing supportive I could say and no point lying or pretending she’ll be different. I wish I had a magic wand.

That evening she curled up on the sofa and said she wouldn’t be phoning anyone. A well deserved rest and I’m sure lots of processing what happened today.